Last week, we explored why curiosity can be so difficult to access during tense conversations.
When our nervous system moves into protection mode, the parts of our brain responsible for reasoning, listening, and problem-solving temporarily take a back seat.
Which means the very capacities we rely on for healthy communication become harder to access.
And when that happens, something else often steps in: assumptions.
Our brains are wired to make sense of what’s happening around us as quickly as possible. When information is missing, the brain fills the gap with a story.
Understanding how this happens can change the way we approach difficult conversations at work and in our personal lives.
Why Our Brains Fill in the Blanks
Our brains are designed to look for patterns. Patterns help us predict what might happen next and stay safe.
This pattern-seeking ability is closely connected to how the nervous system responds to perceived stress or threat.
If you’re unfamiliar with how this works, it can be helpful to first understand how the nervous system influences communication and behaviour
When we feel pressure in a conversation, our brain prioritizes protection over connection.
So when someone says something ambiguous…
When we perceive a shift in their tone…
When an email feels shorter than expected…
Our brains reach into past experiences and quickly assemble a narrative.
They’re annoyed with me.
They don’t respect my work.
They’re trying to undermine this project.
Unless we’re intentionally working to shift our response patterns, these stories arrive without conscious thought.
And then we react as if the story is fact.
How Assumptions Shape Workplace Relationships
This is where communication often takes a detour.
Because the other person isn’t responding to the story in our head.
They’re responding to what we say or do as a result of our story.
A slightly sharper tone.
A defensive email reply.
A comment that carries more weight than we intended.
And suddenly, the other nervous system in the room starts reacting too — because now their stories have entered the chat.
Not to the original issue.
But to the energy of the interaction.
If you’ve ever wondered why certain conversations keep repeating the same way, this dynamic is often the reason. Many workplace conflicts are less about the original issue and more about the nervous system patterns shaping the interaction.
You can learn more about this dynamic in our article on why curiosity becomes difficult in stressful conversations.
When Assumptions Turn Into Labels
Over time, the stories we form about others can solidify into labels.
They’re a micromanager.
They’re such a drama queen.
They’re lazy.
They’re an attention-seeker.
Once those labels take hold, our brains start looking for evidence that confirms them.
Because our nervous systems rely on patterns to help us predict what might happen next, the label becomes a kind of shortcut.
Every interaction starts getting filtered through that lens.
Before long, both people may be responding to a version of the other person that exists more in their stories than in the present moment.
We enter the room already braced.
Knowing exactly what will set them off.
Knowing how the conversation will end.
Thinking, “Here we go again.”
And so do they.
Once again, the pattern becomes more entrenched and harder to shift.
This is one reason many workplaces get stuck in repeated communication patterns. When labels replace curiosity, conversations stop being about understanding and start becoming about defending or proving our assumptions.
A Small but Powerful Shift
The good news is that even a small shift can interrupt this pattern.
One of the simplest ways to do this is to gently question the story forming in our mind.
Not by dismissing it.
But by getting curious about it.
Instead of thinking:
“I know why they did that.”
We can ask ourselves:
“What else might be going on here?”
That small question reopens curiosity.
It invites our nervous system to widen its lens just enough to consider other possibilities.
Maybe they’re under pressure we can’t see.
Maybe something unrelated just happened in their day.
Maybe we misunderstood the tone because it reminds us of someone from our past.
If you’re interested in developing this capacity further, collaborative communication practices can help create space for curiosity instead of reaction.
Often this reflection happens when the other person isn’t in front of us — when we have time and space to consider what we might be bringing into the conversation and the impact our words, energy, and behaviour could have on the other person.
Why This Matters in the Workplace
Assumptions shape workplace culture more than we often realize.
Entire tensions between colleagues can build on stories that were never checked.
Teams can spend months navigating friction that began with a misinterpreted comment or email.
Not because people are trying to create conflict.
But because our brains are exceptionally good at filling in blanks.
And once a story forms, it can begin guiding our behaviour in ways that reinforce the very dynamic we’re hoping to avoid.
The encouraging part is that even one moment of curiosity can begin to shift the pattern.
Sometimes all it takes is one person pausing long enough to wonder if there might be more to the story — and choosing a different way to respond.
Key Takeaway
Assumptions are a natural part of how the human brain works.
But when we become aware of them, we gain the ability to pause, question the story forming in our mind, and reopen the possibility for a different kind of conversation.
And sometimes that small shift is enough to change the entire trajectory of a relationship.
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