Originally featured as a guest on the Work Besties Podcast. Listen to the full episode below!
One of my favourite parts of this work is having conversations with people who are just as curious as I am about what really drives behaviour at work.
Recently, I had the pleasure of joining Jess and Claude from the Work Besties Who Podcast for a conversation about truth-telling at work, psychological safety, and why so many communication challenges have less to do with communication skills than we might think.
We talked about why people hesitate to speak honestly, why feedback can feel so threatening, and how understanding the nervous system changes the way we see ourselves and the people we work with.
If you’d like to listen to the conversation, you can do so on your favourite platform below.
Five Ideas That Stayed With Me After This Conversation
Truth-Telling Isn’t a Courage Problem
One of the biggest myths in workplaces is that people don’t speak up because they lack confidence or courage.
Sometimes that’s true.
More often, though, it’s something much deeper.
When we feel unsafe, our nervous system automatically begins trying to protect us. That protection might look like staying quiet in a meeting, softening difficult feedback, avoiding conflict, or telling someone that everything is “fine” when it clearly isn’t.
From the outside, it can look like a communication problem.
From the inside, it often feels like self-protection.
That’s why I believe honest conversations aren’t simply built through courage. They’re built through safety.
Every Conversation Has More Than Two People In It
Whenever two people sit down to have a conversation, there are far more than two people in the room.
We’re each bringing years of experiences.
Past relationships.
Previous workplaces.
Family dynamics.
Moments where speaking honestly went well.
Moments where it didn’t.
Without even realizing it, our nervous system is constantly asking:
“Based on everything I’ve experienced before… what feels safest here?”
Those experiences quietly shape how we communicate today.
Maybe we’ve learned to overexplain.
Maybe we apologize before sharing an idea.
Maybe we stay silent altogether.
These aren’t personality flaws.
They’re often protective patterns that made sense at some point in our lives.
Why Communication Training Doesn’t Always Stick
Organizations spend enormous amounts of time teaching communication skills.
How to give feedback.
How to manage conflict.
How to run better meetings.
How to coach employees.
Those skills absolutely matter.
But they’re built on something even more fundamental.
I often describe the nervous system as our operating system.
The communication skills we learn are like software.
If the operating system is overwhelmed, stressed, or perceiving threat, it becomes much harder to access everything we’ve learned.
This isn’t because the training was bad.
It’s because our biology always comes first.
When we understand the foundation underneath communication, the communication skills themselves become much easier to use.
A Small Shift That Changes Everything
One of the most powerful mindset shifts we discussed during the conversation is changing the question we ask ourselves.
Instead of asking:
“What’s wrong with this person?”
We begin asking:
“What might be happening for this person right now?”
That question changes everything.
The coworker who seems defensive.
The manager who micromanages.
The employee who shuts down during feedback.
The person who always overcommits.
None of these behaviours necessarily tell us who someone is.
They may be telling us what their nervous system has learned to do when life feels uncertain, overwhelming, or unsafe.
This doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour.
We’re all responsible for our actions.
But curiosity often opens conversations that judgment immediately closes.
You Can’t Simply Declare Psychological Safety
One of the ideas we explored that resonates most with leaders is this:
You can’t tell someone they feel safe.
Safety isn’t something we announce.
It’s something another person’s nervous system gradually experiences.
It grows through consistency.
Predictability.
Following through on commitments.
Respecting boundaries.
Acknowledging when we’ve caused harm.
Thanking someone for raising a difficult concern instead of becoming defensive.
Learning how to pronounce someone’s name correctly.
Offering choice whenever possible.
None of these moments feel especially significant on their own.
Together, however, they create something incredibly powerful.
Trust.
The Work Starts With Us
One of the questions I hear most often is:
“How do I help someone else regulate?”
The truth is, we begin by learning to notice ourselves.
Our own tension.
Our own stress signals.
Our own protective patterns.
When our heart starts racing.
When our shoulders tense.
When we suddenly feel defensive.
Those moments aren’t failures.
They’re information.
The more awareness we build, the more capacity we have to respond intentionally instead of automatically.
And when leaders begin showing up with greater steadiness, curiosity, and consistency, something interesting happens.
The people around them often begin to settle, too.
Not because anyone was forced to change.
Because safety has a way of inviting honesty.
If This Conversation Resonated…
The topics we discussed in this episode are exactly the kinds of conversations we continue inside our live Summer Camp series.
Across eight interactive sessions, we’ll explore topics including:
- Leading Under Pressure
- Collaborative Communication
- Giving Feedback
- Soliciting & Receiving Feedback
- Boundary Setting at Work
- Conflict Navigation
- Neurodiversity in the Workplace
- Creating Cultures of Inclusion & Belonging
Each session is practical, interactive, and grounded in understanding the nervous system as the foundation for healthier workplaces and stronger relationships.
I’d love to have you join us.
👉 Learn more about Summer Camp
An invitation
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