My husband works as flight crew for a national airline. Recently, he came home with a story that stuck with me.

A passenger poked him in the behind to get his attention. When he asked her not to do that, instead of apologizing, she and her husband doubled down.

“She’s an 80-year-old woman, what’s the big deal?”
“I poked you in the waist, not in the bum.”
“You’re acting like she assaulted you.”

They rolled their eyes and huffed for the rest of the flight.

This kind of interaction isn’t rare.

We ask someone to turn down a video they’re watching without headphones in public. They get irritated.
We ask someone to turn off their phone screen in a dark movie theatre. They scoff.
We make a small, reasonable request and are met with defensiveness or dismissal.

It’s tempting to ask: Are people behaving worse than they used to?
Maybe.

But this is also humans behaving exactly the way we’re wired to behave.

When Fight or Flight Looks Subtle

Most of us are familiar with the idea of fight or flight. What we often imagine are extreme reactions: yelling, storming out, confrontation.

In reality, fight and flight are often much quieter.

Fight can sound like justifying, minimizing, or arguing semantics.
Flight can look like withdrawing, shutting down, or disengaging while staying physically present.

When my husband asked not to be poked, the request itself wasn’t dangerous. But to the nervous system, it registered as a threat.

Why Small Moments Feel Big

Our nervous systems evolved to scan for danger in environments where threats were physical and immediate. That same system is now responding to modern threats that are emotional and relational instead.

Things like:

• Being corrected in public
• Feeling embarrassed or called out
• A perceived threat to autonomy
• A challenge to identity (“I’m not a bad person”)

These aren’t imagined threats. To the nervous system, social and emotional danger activates the same protective pathways as physical danger.

That’s why intent often doesn’t land the way we expect it to.

The woman on the plane didn’t believe she did anything wrong. The couple likely believed they were being reasonable. But impact doesn’t require bad intent. It only requires a mismatch between behaviour and boundaries.

Nervous System Awareness Isn’t an Excuse

It’s important to say this clearly: understanding nervous system responses does not make harmful behaviour acceptable.

Explaining behaviour is not the same as excusing it.

Poking someone’s body without consent is still not okay.
Blasting audio in shared spaces is still not okay.
Dismissing someone’s discomfort is still not okay.

A nervous system lens helps us understand why reactions happen. It doesn’t erase accountability.

In fact, nervous-system awareness makes boundaries clearer, not softer.

Regulation Comes First

One of the reasons this interaction didn’t escalate further is that my husband stayed regulated. He didn’t argue. He didn’t try to convince them he was right. He stated the boundary calmly and clearly.

Not because the passengers were reasonable.
But because he was steady.

A dysregulated nervous system can’t create regulation in someone else.

This is where a powerful shift happens. Instead of asking, “Who’s right?” we can ask:

“What’s happening here?”
“What’s happening in my nervous system right now?”

That question creates space. It helps us respond without abandoning ourselves or escalating the situation.

Regulation Is a Relational Skill

When you understand what safety actually feels like in the body, you stop chasing the perfect words. You start leading with steadiness instead.

If you notice yourself getting defensive, shutting down, or bracing when asked to change something, you’re not broken. You’re human. Regulation first isn’t intuitive, but it is learnable.

This is the foundation of our work at The Expert Talk, including The Fundamental Building Blocks of Trusting Relationships, which explores how safety, trust, and regulation shape communication moment by moment.

Because regulation isn’t about winning.

It’s about staying connected to yourself while staying in relationship with others.

An invitation

If you support leaders, teams, or organizations who want to navigate tension with more steadiness and care, this work offers a grounded place to begin.

Regulation changes how we respond.
And how we respond shapes the future of work.

👉 Learn more about the Fundamental Building Blocks of Trusting Relationships here:

https://www.theexperttalk.com/product/the-fundamental-building-blocks-of-trusting-relationships/