We don’t usually set out to manage other people’s emotions.

Most of us learned to do it long before we knew what we were doing.

Nearly 20 years ago now, I was part of a therapy group for loved ones of someone navigating substance use recovery.

Every week followed the same rhythm:

We introduced ourselves.
We named how we were feeling.
We said whether we wanted time to share.

If we chose to speak, others could ask to offer feedback. And we could say yes or no.

The structure was intentional.

We were there to work on our own enabling and co-dependent patterns. To learn that our help isn’t always wanted. To learn that adults are allowed to have agency. To practice asking before offering advice. To practice saying no.

One week, I shared my indecision about staying in the relationship.

I worried out loud about what this person would do without me.

When I finished, a volunteer facilitator asked if I wanted feedback.

I said yes.

She looked at me and said:

“Who do you think you are… (cue the record scratch!) to put yourself on a pedestal in believing that a grown human cannot make it in this world without you?”

I. Was. Furious.

But over the next few days, the indignation softened into something more honest.

Was I infantilizing someone I claimed to respect?
Was I positioning myself as the emotional regulator for another adult?
Was I overestimating my responsibility in their life?

Turns out: yes.

And that realization reshaped how I understand love, leadership, and communication.

The Belief We Learn Early: “I Am Responsible for Your Feelings”

Jill, our expert in Collaborative Communication, often tells a story from elementary school.

Two kids approach the teacher. One is upset because the other won’t play with them.

The teacher says:
“You’ve hurt her feelings. We all need to play together. You need to include her.”

What the teacher doesn’t know is that maybe the upset child pinches.

Without realizing it, the other child learns:

• You are responsible for other people’s feelings.
• Your wants and needs matter less than harmony.
• Keeping the peace is more important than your boundaries.

This is often where challenges with boundary-setting at work begin.

We grow up absorbing this message.

Then we bring it into adult relationships.

And into leadership.

And into workplace communication.

How Emotional Management Shows Up at Work

In a recent panel discussion, we talked about organizations navigating change through a nervous system lens. Return-to-office mandates are one example many teams are navigating right now.

These decisions are complex. Leaders are balancing business needs, culture, productivity, and employee experience.

Under that pressure, it can be tempting to:

• Focus messaging only on the positives
• Emphasize benefits
• Try to help people “see the upside”
• Soften or avoid naming what’s difficult

Often, this comes from care.

But when we begin trying to shape how people should feel about a decision, something subtle shifts.

We move from communication into emotional management.

And while it may feel supportive, it can unintentionally undermine trust.

Adults want to be trusted as adults.

When people sense their reactions are being managed or reframed for them, they may feel:

• Dismissed
• Handled
• Infantilized
• Less respected

Even when the intention was good.

This is where relationship harm begins quietly.

The Relationship Harm We Don’t Intend

When we take responsibility for other people’s feelings, we can unintentionally:

• Undermine someone’s sense of competence
• Signal that we don’t believe they can handle discomfort
• Position ourselves as the emotional authority
• Silence honest dialogue in the name of harmony

Over time, this erodes psychological safety and the fundamental building blocks of trusting relationships.

Not loudly.

Quietly.

Resentment builds.
Authenticity narrows.
People perform instead of relate.

In close relationships, it can create dependency where dignity should live.

The very thing we are trying to protect, connection, begins to fray.

The Nervous System Perspective: Why We Do This

From a nervous system perspective, this pattern makes sense.

If you grew up learning that other people’s feelings were yours to manage, your body likely reacts quickly when someone is upset, disappointed, or resistant. This shows up clearly in conflict navigation at work.

You might:

• Over-explain
• Over-accommodate
• People-please
• Reassure excessively
• Avoid naming hard truths

Not because you are manipulative.

Because your nervous system learned that conflict equals danger.

So you try to pre-regulate everyone else.

But nervous system regulation does not mean no one gets upset.

It means you can stay steady while someone is.

It means you can say:

“This may be hard to hear.”
“I can imagine this brings up a lot.”
“And I trust your capacity to navigate it.”

That stance communicates respect.

It communicates agency.

It strengthens trust.

What Collaborative Communication Actually Requires

Collaborative communication is not about:

• Smoothing things over
• Convincing people to agree
• Making sure no one feels uncomfortable

It is about:

• Clarity without control
• Empathy without ownership
• Boundaries without punishment
• Presence without emotional takeover

It requires nervous system capacity.

And it can be learned.

A Final Reflection

Nearly twenty years later, I am still grateful for the facilitator who challenged me.

She did not manage my reaction.
She did not soften the message.
She trusted my capacity to sit with it.

That trust changed me.

Sometimes love looks like stepping off the pedestal.

And standing beside someone instead.

An invitation

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